Lowi and I met earlier this week to discuss the blog and how we are going to wrap up 2020. We weighed out different themes and whether we’d keep the ones we so naively and hopefully chose in late 2019.
And since that zoom call I have been reflecting about how much time I have misplaced this year. I returned to the gym where I, theoretically, work last week for the first time in 8 months. And it was simultaneously familiar and foreign. It was nice to see co-workers and other gym members I haven’t seen in a while. But it also gave me pause.
Roughly 30 weeks had gone by in what felt like a blink of an eye.
It prompted me to consider, what have I been doing with my time since I am not at the gym or anywhere else for that matter? I feel like I have been, in some ways, busier than ever. So where have I been spending the currency that is time? What have I been doing with my days as a whole since the dark cloud of pandemic began to hang over our heads?
I was more than a little scared to look too closely for fear I may find that most of that time was spent with Netflix and a half empty wine bottle (ok a fully empty wine bottle). But I also know that you can’t change what you are not willing to see so I ripped off the proverbial blinders to investigate.
Lowi and I had done a little of this reflecting on the fact that there have, in fact, been some good things to come out of 2020.
We’ve basked in the glow of weddings;
we pretended we were at some weird sort of summer camp the first couple of weeks of this new-fangled work from home;
we’ve hardly worn anything other than stretchy pants and we’ve spent time with those who live in the same home with us potentially more than we ever have before (or possibly ever wanted to).
We are learning how to grieve what we have lost or missed out on this year and also plan for how we are going to revel in hugs, parties and the casual dinner party with friends in the future.
This very well could be our collective Before and After time marker. How we did life before pandemic and after.
What have I discovered about all that misplaced time? It’s not all bad but it’s also not all good. Let’s start with the good, shall we?
I’ve continued to run and train during all of this and even had my own running birthday adventure in May. Lately I have been training harder and in ways that are uncomfortable both physically and mentally. Seems appropriate since 2020 has basically been one big exercise in being uncomfortable. I have also done a lot of work on myself. I am learning about boundaries and how to apply them. I am unlearning being a people-pleaser and being reminded that happiness starts and ends with me.
Now for the less pleasant. I have eaten more junky food, at times consumed more alcohol, slept worse and less, worked too much, zoned out in front of the TV and wasted time on social media. I have stayed stuck in areas I know I need to move and I have been hesitant to use my voice in areas I know I can.
One thing that has come into full view for me this year is that I am never going to get it all right. Not even close because I am human. That’s not how we are built. Reminding myself of this is slowly leading me to a level of acceptance. This life will always be messy. It will always be full of missteps and meandering. Maybe even what I considered to be misplaced time wasn’t really misplaced at all. Maybe it was part of being human.
Sunshine & Sarcasm,
Lowi & G