Surrender to What Is

A little over two years ago I started getting serious about my health; about what I was eating, how I worked out and what supplements/vitamins I felt were important to take. I even hired a trainer to help me reach my goals. I was lifting weights regularly and running and felt better than I had in awhile. And just when I thought I had a handle on things, life threw a little curve ball.

It’s been two years and I’ve spent more time than I care to admit, lamenting where I am now. I blamed the diagnosis, the surgery, the treatment, the medication and all the things that have subsequently kept me cancer-free because they haven’t allowed me to get back to where I was.

Where I was.

Where I used to be.

What could have been.

If only I could go back….

To what?
To having cancer and not knowing yet? What exactly did I want to go back to? If I’m totally honest, I wanted to go back to that place where I believed I was the picture of health; that make-believe place where you feel like if you do all the right things somehow life is supposed to work in your favor. I’m not naive, I know this isn’t how it works, but who doesn’t hope that their expectations come to fruition?

As I considered the idea of surrender this week, I considered where I was and where I actually am and then I considered all of us and how our lives were rolling along at the beginning of 2020. We were all living with expectations of how we thought our year was going to go, much like I was back in 2018.

Then March hit us all like, as Miley would say, a wrecking ball. Collectively, 2020 has been a challenging year and as we all emerged from lockdown we have found ourselves with difficult choices to make. Marriages have ended, jobs have been lost, dreams have been put on hold and lots of junk food, alcohol and Netflix have been consumed. It’s sad and understandable, but it’s left us asking ourselves, “what now?”

As G discussed last week, we can continue to complain and blame and pout about 2020, but what is your end game? What does surrendering look like to you? Are you going to quit? Are you going to just continue to pout in the corner? Are you going to keep collecting unemployment because you can? Are you going to put on another twenty pounds before 2021 rolls around?

OR maybe you’ve decided that surrendering might actually look like acceptance. Acceptance that we are all in the same boat, but while some of us are content to float along, others have jumped into the water and are swimming somewhere else. It’s like that quote from Arthur Ashe, “start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.” This is what surrendering looks like. Taking this point in time and doing what you can with whatever scraps you have left. This year has taken a lot away from all of us, but it’s up to each of us to decide what we do next. This year alone, I have seen people go ahead and get married, get engaged, graduate, move, make career changes, go back to school, start college, take trips, get pregnant and make changes to their health in significant ways. They did all this in spite of the pandemic and in some cases because of the pandemic. People have chosen to jump ship and make a change despite their circumstances.

I think we could all find reasons to sit back and wait this out. We could all wait for things to go back to “normal” before we make any bold moves and nobody would even blink at our decision. In fact, we’d be in good company.

This brings me back to my own surrender. I have been at a crossroads for awhile now. I have complained, pouted, gotten angry, wanted to give up and I am finally at a place of true surrender. This year has helped me come to terms with where I am. The reality is, nobody ever knows what comes next. I’m happy to be here and I have no expectation of what’s to come, but I’m still going to do everything I can to make the most of where I am with what I have.

Sunshine & Sarcasm,

Lowi & G

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