While we are currently on the road to training for a 50-mile race, I have been participating in 50Ks for the last several years. Today, I am sharing my race experience from a few weeks ago. You’d think all that time running ultra distances would also mean I had acquired some level of confidence… well?

To find out more about our upcoming race challenge and how it came about, check out Lowi’s blog. To follow our training progress, please follow our weekly Tuesday Torture Report.

Every time I go to a race it’s a big dare for me. It’s vulnerable and scary and makes me super uncomfortable. It usually takes 10-12 miles before I can settle into a rhythm.  I am always trying to put my finger on exactly what the issue(s) is. I think I may have accidentally stumbled upon it yesterday, thanks to a well-timed question.

I had been having, more than normal, a real crisis of confidence. The last few of my training runs have felt quite difficult and arduous. I was out in all kinds of snow, which was great, because there was a big chance my most recent race would be snow-covered. You know, it is December.

But the few weeks leading toward the race, I had the distinct realization that I was getting worse in the snow and not better.

My last long distance before the race left me feeling quite disheartened. How could all this training leave me feeling so ill-prepared?

It made me think that maybe

I shouldn’t be doing this race.

As a slow runner, no matter how hard I try to be faster, I was already worried about meeting the race time cut-off. After it took me 3 hours to go 10 miles in a snowy training run, that concern had quickly changed to full-on panic. Even periodically considering not even going.

I was thinking, searching for something that would be me feel worthy,  make me feel better.

I ran through some of the following:

It’s OK to try even if you don’t finish… nah that wasn’t getting it.

Just don’t go… hmmm no!

Then my oft-guru, although she doesn’t know it, Brené Brown, came into my mind. “Dare Greatly… it’s the man in the arena that counts.”

OK, I can get behind that one. Even if I feel judged, even if it goes badly, I am daring. I am putting myself out there and not knowing what will happen. I can be brave.

Little did I know when I wrote those words above, (I had already started this blog with the thought of finishing it when the race is completed) how much truer they would ring today.

During the race, a fellow participant asked me when she would feel like a “real 50ker?” Seems like a simple query, right? After completing a handful of 50Ks already I can say I had no idea.

After a few moments or a few miles, hard to say, I finally managed to say “I don’t know. I don’t feel like that yet.”

Maybe it’s because my initial 50K foray was fraught with a lot of false starts, 3 to be exact. I started a 50K three times before I ever finished.

I am not sure what it will take for me to feel like I am a “real 50Ker” but I plan to keep training, running, walking and getting to the finish any way I can until I figure it out.