Okay, boys and girls, I know the circus came to town and we are all straining our necks to see the elephant under the big tent, but I’m here to distract you from all of that.  Besides, as a woman approaching 55, I have zero bandwidth to take on anything more pressing than my daily schedule. 

I know it’s hard for those of you not in my demographic to understand just how busy a retired 55-year-old woman can be, but let me assure you—my plate is full.

What is it full of, you may ask?  Protein. Obviously. Have you been living under a rock?  Women of a certain age must prioritize protein to lose weight.  Of course, you must not exceed a healthy limit because it could harm your liver.  What is a healthy amount?  The general consensus is 100-120 grams of protein daily, maybe even up to 150, but it could also be less.  It just depends, but that is something only the great wizard knows for certain.  Just make it a priority, okay?

And carbs? Yep, they’re back in fashion. But only the right kind: veggies and select low-sugar fruits. You need carbs for energy, but don’t overdo it, because too many will sabotage your weight-loss goals. However, avoid too few as well, because that’ll lead to muscle atrophy and brittle bones. Speaking of brittle bones, make sure you’re getting plenty of calcium—but not from dairy (that’s out). I recommend almond milk. But wait—almonds are seeds, and seeds and seed oils are also out. So, I take a supplement. Sure, I know I’ll probably pee it all out, but it makes me feel better—until the osteoarthritis kicks in, of course.

While I’m managing my food and liquid intake (and inevitable outtake) I am also supposed to be working out.  Now, ladies, be sure to get your cardio in the form of HIIT workouts, but please do not overdo it.  We can no longer do long cardio sessions because it’s a waste of time and it causes our bodies to hold onto the fat.  Make sure that you only do HIIT about 2 times per week and perhaps make it a MIIT workout (medium intensity) because high-intensity workouts cause our cortisol levels to rise which will lead to restless nights and, yes, weight gain.

While in the gym, we must also make lifting heavy weights a priority.  It’s right up there with protein.  We want to be strong, and lifting heavy is the ONLY thing that will transform our bodies at this age.  Well, lifting and all the things I already mentioned above.

Resting? Don’t forget to get those 10,000 steps in. Movement is essential—it’s one of the most important pieces of the puzzle. Are you starting to see the picture now? It’s a full-on health revival. But how to track all of this? An app, of course. You must log your calories, protein, carbs, fats, and water intake religiously. Because you can’t just know if you’re hitting your targets. You’ve got to track it.

I know it’s a lot, but we must not obsess over this process, or we will cause our cortisol levels to rise, and as I stated earlier, we must avoid this at all costs.  High cortisol levels will disrupt our sleep, which also causes our cortisol to rise.  It’s a vicious cycle we must avoid.  However, while we are on the topic of sleep, be sure to get 8-9 hours of sleep per night, or everything you do during the day is null and void.

Honestly, there is nothing more satisfying than working hard every day to meet all of these goals and falling into bed each night exhausted…and then lying there wide awake thinking about whether you checked all the boxes that day, avoided stress, and wondering why it’s so damn HOT in your bedroom.  

You press on, though, because you know it’s going to be worth it at the end of the month when you check in and finally weigh yourself, and you have only gained 4 pounds rather than the five you gained last month while you were eating anything and everything.

Yes, your husband lost 10 pounds just watching you work your butt off (not literally, because it’s still very much there), But he loves you, he supports you, and—bless him—he brings you take-out salad for dinner when you don’t want to cook. So, let him live.

I know the temptation to quit is real, but we must resist the urge to give up on ourselves.  Do not despair.  Consistency is key, so I’ve heard. I haven’t personally experienced it, but there are rumored tales of success.

Now, go and be fabulous in your 50s.