Aching to Be Alive

 

The time since mid-March has felt like a very long, dirt road with so many potholes that I’ve lost count. I know we have been doing more things and seeing people, eating on the patios, but things don’t feel the same. I’m tired of cooking, doing curbside dining, describing my car to Qdoba and trying to talk through the dang mask. Don’t get me wrong, I wear it everywhere because it’s the right thing to do, but is anyone else just tired? Like, exhausted from all of it?

I’m tired of worrying if my headache is the beginning of something or if that person that coughed in the parking lot has allergies or something more sinister. I’m tired of Clorox and hand sanitizer and the “what-if” scenarios.

I’m tired of examining what I just thought or said or watched on TV.  I’m tired of reading a news article and wondering which part of it is actual truth or if it’s all just commentary.  I’m tired of people not doing the right thing and looking for a loophole so they don’t feel bad about it.

I’m tired of feeling like I can’t complain about all the things that are irritating me right now because they aren’t nearly as worthy as everything else on the national radar.

I’m tired of contingency plans and cancellations.

I’m tired of the news, politics, hate and lack of human decency. I’m tired of all of it.

I just want to sit too closely to my girlfriend, laughing and planning a tailgate for our kids’ first college football game while drinking something a tad stronger than a Starbucks Venti iced green tea with no sweetener.  And while we are on the topic of college, I want to stop getting notices that my daughter’s college classes are all going online and wondering if the dorms will be next to shut down for fall.

It feels like it’s all too much some days and I want to quit, but where do I resign?  Seriously, where?  I want out.

 

If I can’t get out, I’d like to quarantine somewhere else for a while, like a couple of months.  Hawaii works for me.  I know, there is a 14-day quarantine in your hotel room, you have to have groceries and food delivered and then…wait, you had me at hotel room.

Seriously, doesn’t it all just feel like too much?  Don’t you just want to hit the pause button for awhile and do something…A N Y T H I N G ?

 

I know, I was the one preaching last week on being alive and reimagining things, blah, blah, blah.  No, seriously, that’s all still true, but sometimes we also need to vent; get it all out in order to feel alive again.  We can’t just keep it all bottled inside until this passes.  This is going to take too long to just let it pass, people. When you feel hopeless, annoyed, irritated, frustrated and like you need to scream; do it.  Get it out so you can move on.
I wasn’t even going to share this post because it felt whiney and not like our usual upbeat ramblings on life.  And it certainly didn’t sound like someone who was working on her theme of #B E I N G A L I V E .
Then I stumbled upon a paragraph in Glennon Doyle’s book, Untamed and realized that this feeling of frustration; this “ache” as she describes it, is also about
#B E I N G A L I V E:
 
“I have been exhausted and terrified and angry.  I have been overwhelmed and underwhelmed and debilitatingly depressed and anxious.  I have been amazed and awed and delighted and overjoyed to bursting.  I have been reminded, constantly, by the Ache.  This will pass; stay close.
I have been alive.”                      

Being alive, being on this earth, is being in the “ache.”  Being alive is feeling all of it; the good, the bad, the frustration, the joy, the overwhelm of all of it.  To be alive is heartache and happiness and it’s okay to say in the midst of everything, that life is not going the way you want right now.  Yes, this too will pass, but in the mean time, it’s okay to not be okay.

Sunshine & Sarcasm,
Lowi & G

One Comment Add yours

  1. Suzanne E Stewart says:

    Yep Lori, I’m sure most have those feelings. Yeah – I live alone – I do have a puppy, Snuggles (a negative and a positive). Yeah – I’ve had a heart attack but cardiologist thought I was doing ok when I saw him Monday. (another neg. and positive). Yeah – I was diagnosed with Mantle Cell Lymphoma in Dec. but oncologist said I was stable yesterday and to come back in 3 months! (another neg and pos). I haven’t “touched” my daughter’s “babies” since Feb. but Alicia does face time me and send me videos. Dr. said I could go in their yard and watch them in the trampoline standing afar with mask. (another neg and pos.). I can take rides with the top down on my car – no mask – but can’t stop and go in anywhere (another neg and pos). All of us aunts can sit outside w/masks far apart and talk – but no going inside. I’m trying to take as many rides as I can knowing winter will not be the same in a car with top up and cold outside. Lonely – do I get lonely? Yep. This is how lonely I got one night – I was thinking if Greg hadn’t divorced me I wouldn’t be alone! Now that is hitting low! But then I think – hey – you are sitting in what to me is a pretty home – not worrying about how to make the mortgage – or not having food or medicine. Many don’t have that luxury. Many with heart problems are much sicker. Many with lymphoma are much sicker. Really? You feel awful? Yes, I do but I try to think about those who have even more pressing problems. This is what I call my “attitude adjustment”. Does it always work? Maybe a few minutes or few days. I’m usually “adjusting”! Dr. said this would probably be my “isolation” for at least a year. Can I do anything about it? Nope. So I pray and keep working on my attitude. Am I strong? I don’t think immensely. But I’m trying. You and Angelo are really “tuned in”. It’s a “boat” we’re all in and we have to take turns “paddling”.

    Like

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